Wednesday, February 8, 2012

A blog, a mirror

Welp, welp. Here we go. When I started blogging, I thought to myself: oooooh, how fun! all I need to do is just write something about something, post a couple pictures of babies,  the house, the cat, the dog (that, in my case, would be a figure of speech, since I don't own either a cat or a dog). I thought: this is  a PIECE - OF - CAKE... Little did I know that, every time I would sit in front of this screen and place my hands in the keyboard, a hoard of fearful thoughts would hit my mind over and over and over. Fear like waves. Hitting the shore of my mind. Eroding my freedom.

For most part of my life, I've been a pretty content little soul. I'd try my hardest to do great at school, at music classes, ballet, art. In my mind, I lived under the thought: as long as I do good, I will be loved. As long as I please others, I won't be rejected. As long as I don't make waves, everything will be fine. If you loved strawberries, I loved strawberries. If you loved dressing in 25 different colors, I "loved" it. If you loved pizza with pineapple, I .. nah, I won't take it that far... What I'm trying to say here is that, the fear of rejection and failure grabbed my personality like a cardboard figure and threw my authentic self out of the window. Merciless.

But there comes a point in life when your Creator, the Lover of your soul, comes at your door, throws little rocks on your window, leaves sticky notes in your mirrors. He knows who you really are. He knows your hidden dreams and deepest desires. He knows because He put them there. He's like the most persistent salesman in the world. If you don't open the door, He won't just leave. From outside the door, He can hear your soul crying out to be free. How could He just leave? He walks around your house and starts singing songs. Songs that remind you of who you are. Songs about unconditional love, beauty and uniqueness. He sings until the hardness starts melting away. His love walks through walls. When your soul hears those footsteps, it immediately lightens up. Your heart starts beating fast because you KNOW... the day is coming. That beautiful soul, that cardboard figure lying out the window, will finally come alive. It will finally soar up in the sky, where it belongs. No more 24 hour workdays to earn a bit of human love. It's like trying to buy crumbs when you live in the most beautiful bakery in town. The funny thing is that, when you finally are who you really are, people are going to love it. Because they will see REAL in your eyes.

This is where I'm at these days. Living in expectation, hearing the footsteps, feeling my heartbeat rise. It has been a journey (well, it's been more like a hiking experience). But it's coming. Nothing can stop what's meant to happen. I await, all curled up. One of these days, I know that I know that I know, Love will walk through my walls.



Elisha(: said...

i love this!! <3

Abi's Mom & Dad said...

I usually enjoy reading your blog, but this one is amazing. Thank you!

ginanorma said...

I liked this b/c your first paragraph I was like Pamela, I'm not agreeing here LOL, but I could relate. For.sure.
But then the rest, omyword, LOVE. so so true, my heart beats so fast for my God and His heart beats for MINE. I can't believe that! And when He comes for us, we will be perfectly who we were made to be, and until then, we keep our eyes on Him, and we ask Him to take our hearts and make them like Him, and we keep pressing on toward the goal!
what a precious post!

Jenny Stein said...

Beautifully written Pame....You are a wonderful creation!

koko mo said...

wonderful post, i really enjoy you're writing, you are such a fantastic writer! and this is so true, thank you so much for sharing something so personal! :)